Q & A With an Experienced Criminal Law Attorney.

Q: The policeman never read me my rights. Will they drop my case?

A: No.

Q: If the victim or police man don’t show up on the first court date will they drop my case?

A: No.

Q: Can we tell the judge that the victim wants to drop the charges so he can dismiss the case?

A: No.

Q: I made some “mistakes” in the report I wrote for the police. Can we call them and change it?

A: No.

Q: Can’t we just argue that I was going the same speed as everybody else on the road?

A: No.

Q: Can the police man give me a ticket if the headlight on his squad car is out?

A: Yes.

Q: Can’t we just have my witness show the judge the video on his phone and not have a trial?

A: No.

Q: Is it fair that I have to keep taking off work to come to court?

A: No.

Q: The policeman told me they would drop the ticket once I got to court…

A: No.

Q: The victim got a DUI, will they drop the case now?

A: No, no, no.

Guilt Brokering.

The courtroom definition of guilt is whatever a judge or jury says it is- as long as it’s proven “beyond a reasonable doubt.”

“Guilt”  according to the dictionary is “the fact of having committed a breach of conduct especially violating law and involving a penalty.”

The key distinction from the courtroom version being the removal of the word “fact” and replacing with proof of the matter only “beyond a reasonable doubt”- something, quite obviously, less than having proven an actual fact.

Continue reading “Guilt Brokering.”

Taking a knee.

According to twitter today El Presidente is trying to pressure NFL owners to prevent their players from “taking a knee” during the anthem. NFL commissioner Roger Goddell has penned a letter to NFL owners telling them the players should stand.

I’m sure it’s just an odd coincidence those two things happened within hours of each other. Sometimes things fall out of the sky like that.

Just like the coincidences I see in court. Like, the one where all the clients I’ve ever represented who got pulled over for minor traffic offenses but ended up laying on the deck with tazer electrodes stuck in their skin were African American.

Just an odd coincidence as well. I’m sure that, in the tens of thousands of cases I’ve touched, if a white guy ever stayed on the cell phone after Continue reading “Taking a knee.”

A Quick Guide to Some of the Rights of “Those People” (AKA All of Us) for Newspaper Commentors and Twitterers Who Have Only Heard About The Second Amendment.

Amendment 1:

If you want to worship a goat or tree or potato chip, you can. But the government can’t force you to worship a goat or tree or Dorito.

The government can’t tell you what you can say.

The #lamestream #fakenews media can write what it wants, and the President can’t stop them.

You can hang out with whichever of your friends you want- even if your mom hates them. You can even protest together.

Amendment 2:

Amendment 3:

Continue reading “A Quick Guide to Some of the Rights of “Those People” (AKA All of Us) for Newspaper Commentors and Twitterers Who Have Only Heard About The Second Amendment.”

5 Expert Tips For Talking To The Police, and A Bonus 6th That Will Blow Your Mind!

The police want to talk to you. Maybe they’ve called you. Maybe they’ve stopped by your house. Maybe they’ve even pulled you over and arrested you for DUI. What are you going to do?

Sounds like a tricky situation? Not if you take this splendid advice. Utilize these pro tips and never worry again.

Tip 1: Don’t talk to the police.

Sure, they’re being nice. They just want you to come down to the station “to clarify some things” or answer some questions to “make sure you’re o.k. to drive tonight.”  That’s all totally legit as they’d never lie to you, but the smart money says you should just shut up and not help them out (because if you talk, you will).

Tip 2: Don’t talk to the police.

They want your name and identification? Fine. Give it to them.  They want to know where you were last night or how many dead people are in your crawl space? Just a thought, but maybe you shouldn’t tell them.

I know it sounds simple, but they’re not just going to come out and ask why 41 kilos of crank are in your pants. Plus, they’re not going to believe you when you say they’re not your pants. So, maybe it’s not best to walk down the path to certain confession. Don’t start talking to them no matter what they tell you they want to know.

Tip 3:  Don’t talk to the police.

In case you missed the first two tips, here’s the fail-safe third one. Try it some time. Lawyer up, shut up.

You might want to start writing these down. It’s getting complicated.

Tip 4: Don’t talk to the police.

Have you ever walked into a place you’ve never been, in a city you’ve never seen and been struck with an eerie feeling of familiarity?  You know you’ve never been there, but it’s too familiar for you to have not experienced it before?  Some call that Déjà vu. I call that Tip 4. Why have you even read this far? Do you not get the point?

Tip 5: Don’t talk to the police.

If you can just go explain yourself you can talk them out of charging you with that murder rap, right? 5 minutes of your slick tongue and they’ll realize you didn’t kill him. Or if you did you did it in self defense.  There had to be a great reason. He’s not dead for no reason, right?

Let’s be honest, there are times when you might be able to talk yourself out of something. It’s happened.

Not to you, though. You don’t know what the police know. You don’t know what information they’re really after.  Unless you’ve dealt with the police often enough to become fearless around them, you’re out matched. Just don’t.

BONUS Tip 6: Hire a lawyer. Let them talk to the police.

You didn’t pay for 6 tips, but I’m going to give you one anyway.  That’s the kind of guy I am. I’m a giver.

It’s a two-part tip, too.

Part 1 of Tip 6: Just don’t talk to the damn police already.

Part 2 of Tip 6: If you’re determined to talk to the police, hire a lawyer to sort it all out for you.

If you enjoyed these tips, be on the lookout for my next post, “The 6 effective legal tips most often ignored (And the 6th tip is a two-part shocker)!”