How to get the worst sentence possible (Hint: Think “War Machine”).

Christy Mack Wikipedia

How to get the worst possible sentence… as illustrated by “War Machine”.

“War Machine” seems to be doing everything he can to make sure he’s not only convicted, but locked up for a long, long time. He’s got to be driving his lawyer nuts.  This is a classic case of how just about everything you do can and will affect what happens in court.

I’m not saying he’s guilty or innocent. I am saying that, a lot of times, truth is secondary. War Machine has done a great job of digging himself so deeply into a hole on this Christy Mack thing that there will be no happy ending. If you’re sitting out there wanting to emulate War Machine and get the worst possible sentence you can, here are some great tips to follow:

  • Change your name. Take your boring, bland, common name and change it. Especially when it conjures images of violent, serial killers.  Jurors might hear John Paul Koppenhaver, but they think John Wayne Gacy.  Changing it to something like “War Machine” can only help. Then get accused of violent crimes.

“The jury hereby finds ‘War Machine’ not guilty of…” are words nobody expects to hear.

 

  • Wear that bad attitude with pride. Don’t just call yourself War Machine, be War Machine… and let everybody know in a way you can’t hide. Nothing says, “I deserve a fair trial” like a hand grenade neck tattoo. The judge will love it.

 

  • Publicly promote a dumb clothing company with a stupid slogan. Make sure it’s something that says “nobody ever gets the better of me… I’ll kick your ass every time just to prove I’m top dog.”

 

War Machine in his clothing
This guy did some alpha male shit. The judge might notice.

 

  • Laugh at your victim in open court. You know what’s funny about things that happen in court? The judge doesn’t think anything is funny. Maybe you shouldn’t either.

  • Kill any chance an attorney could help you before the attorney can even try. Publicly blame the “target” of your “Alpha Male Shit.”

 

 

      • Attack a public figure with Hundreds of Thousands of followers.

 

 

      • Blame the victims in your “suicide” note.  Why don’t you go ahead and quote Nietzche while you’re at it. You’re such a well-read philosopher… why not quote the guy critical of morality and contemporary culture before being judged?

 

  http://matthaiduk.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/11/1017-war-machine-suicide-letter-01.pdf   There you have the top few dumb things “War Machine” has done.  This list could easily be three times as long. If you’ve been hoping that this guy is going to prison for a very, very, very long time, I don’t think you’ve got much to worry about. I feel for his lawyer. He’s got his work cut out for him.

Author: matthaiduk

Matt Haiduk is a criminal defense lawyer in Illinois. He loves his dog. And pizza.

2 thoughts on “How to get the worst sentence possible (Hint: Think “War Machine”).”

  1. Nothing says, “I deserve a fair trial” like a hand grenade neck tattoo. Truer words have never been spoken. However, I do like the “I Do Alpha Male Shit.” I just don’t think that we would agree on the definition of “Alpha Male Shit.”

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