The Twitter Law Seminar That Never Will Be.

Overblown Moderator’s Intro:

How many of you could use help with the internet? Today we’re happy to have an “expert” that can help you market on the world wide web. He’s an accomplished twitterer with over 11,000 impressive tweets, the back of his head was featured on Huffington Post, and he’s even got his very own web page!  We are pleased to have Matt Haiduk today to tell us how you should market your pracrice on twitter!

The Awkward Ice Breaker

Happy to make it here today, although I know the intro was unnecessary because you saw me tweet about how I’d be here, right? [feigned laughter by 3 polite people]  Show of hands, how many of you here today use twitter in your law practice. [3 people raise hands]  Ok, 3? That’s pretty good. Normally it’s nobody.  How many of you 3 let a marketing company post your tweets? [2 people raise hands] Well, after today that’s going to change!  It’s so simple and easy you won’t want to waste the money.

Confusing Analogy About “How It Used To Be.”

You know, we live in incredibly advanced times. Back at the turn of the century, when I started practicing, we didn’t have twitter. If you wanted to talk to somebody you did this crazy thing and actually spoke to them. If they couldn’t talk, you’d call and leave a message on an answering machine. Except back then, messages weren’t “in the cloud” they were actually recorded on cassette tapes.  Cassette tapes were only so long, so the messages had to be short.

[Confused look from all of audience]

Think of twitter as the new cassette tapes.  You leave messages. They’re short.  Tweets are the new answering machine.

[Confusion temporarily subsides, then sets right back in]

Vaguely Relevant Story About the Old Days and How It’s Changed.

You see, being a lawyer used to be easy. You’d pay $1200 for a phone book ad that looked just like everybody else’s.  You’d sit back, put your feet up on the desk, eat circus peanuts and count the money as it came in.  Times were simple and so were the people.

The problem with being a lawyer today is getting clients.  People are sophisticated. People today have snapchat, play minecraft and drive electric cars. Gone are the days of circus peanuts and penny loafers on the desk.

The Problem.

You can’t have a phonebook ad that costs a lot and looks like every other ad. The phone book died with You need to “build your brand,” but how?  How can you reach out to the people? How are you going to attract those clients who don’t know who you are, don’t think they have a problem you can deal with, and probably wouldn’t like you anyway?

You’re going to go out and find them, that’s how. You’re going to go where they’re at.

The Solution.

The internet is the new phone book.  Twitter is the new cassette tape- don’t forget where you heard that! I’m serious. Twitter has millions of people talking at any one time. They’re talking about everything from sports to tin foil.  Except you don’t need to wade through the sports or tin foil. You can jump right into conversations about whatever you want.

You want to jump into the conversation about who is the best #injuryattorney? You can do that.


It’s so simple. You can do it in 30 seconds in while reclining naked in your Lay-Z-Boy watching Marker.  You might have to set the peanut butter snickers down for a second, but that’s literally all it’s going to take.

Instead of putting up the same lame phone book ad as everybody else in the phone book (with a slightly different font but the same silly scales-of-justice), you’re going to tweet (picture of scales of justice is optional).  You’re not going to put any thought into it, though. You’ll tweet the same, mindless nonsense that all the other inattentive lawyers on twitter tweet. Commercial drivel. Marketing blandness.

It’s going to work great. Just like your bland phone book ad did. It’s that simple. Seriously. Try it.  Tweet now, count the money later, thank me when you’re rich.

Author: matthaiduk

Matt Haiduk is a criminal defense lawyer in Illinois. He loves his dog. And pizza.

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