A Quick Guide to Some of the Rights of “Those People” (AKA All of Us) for Newspaper Commentors and Twitterers Who Have Only Heard About The Second Amendment.

Amendment 1:

If you want to worship a goat or tree or potato chip, you can. But the government can’t force you to worship a goat or tree or Dorito.

The government can’t tell you what you can say.

The #lamestream #fakenews media can write what it wants, and the President can’t stop them.

You can hang out with whichever of your friends you want- even if your mom hates them. You can even protest together.

Amendment 2:

Amendment 3:

You don’t have to let soldiers sleep in your spare bedroom- but you can if you want to.

Amendment 4:

If they don’t have a warrant they can GTFO of your house, car, body or stuffs unless you let them, or there’s a SUPER good reason to not get a warrant.

Amendment 5:

When you win the trial on those trumped up charges they can’t come back at you again.

Also, you can stop confessing to those crimes you did (and even some you didn’t) whenever you want.

Amendment 6:

Your trial may be quick, public, and in front of 12 strangers that look like your friends’ angry grandpa.

And you can have a lawyer for this traveshamockery so it at least has the appearance of fairness.

Amendment 7:

N/A… Some nonsense about civil suits and $20 (seriously).

Amendment 8:

The most nasty person with the most terrible allegations is virtually always still going to get a chance to post bond- even if you think they shouldn’t.

Also, the government shouldn’t torture people.

Amendment 13:

Slavery was, is, and always will be terrible.  No matter your race, you get all these rights and more. All of them.

Amendment 14:

If you were born here you’re a citizen. Period. It doesn’t matter where your momma was from or how she got here.

If the government wants to take your freedom or stuff, it must follow the rules.

The law needs to be applied equally. Also, you have all of these rights with respect to both state and federal government.

Amendment 21:

Drink your terrible beer.

Drink 6 of them if you really want.

Author: matthaiduk

Matt Haiduk is a criminal defense lawyer in Illinois. He loves his dog. And pizza.

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