Author: matthaiduk

Matt Haiduk is a criminal defense lawyer in Illinois. He loves his dog. And pizza.

About that cook county prosecutor who was arrested at the lingerie shop

I’m sure you’ve heard about the Cook County prosecutor who was arrested in the last week.  In case you have not, her name is Sarah Naughton.  According to news reports, she was escorted out of a Lingerie Shop called “Taboo Tabou” for acting a little too rowdy with a male companion.  At some point, a melee ensued and she’s accused of biting a cigar shop owner in the ankle.  Much to her horror, the aftermath was captured on video:

Like I’ve said before, the day people get arrested is usually the worst day of their lives.  If Naughton didn’t believe it then, she surely believes it now.  You should too.

I’m not posting this to embarrass her or make fun of her, though.  It’s not even a post aimed at showing you what she should have done after getting arrested- I think I’ve done that enough. Sadly, this isn’t even going to be a post making fun of prosecutors.  It’s a post making fun of other criminal defense attorneys.  Or, as I like to call them, my friends.

I’ve always been a little bit amused at how quickly criminal defense attorneys in private practice brag about being former prosecutors.  Like it’s some sort of badge of honor.  Somehow, working at an office where you never have to talk to a person accused of a crime (and where many of your decisions are controlled by “policy” dictated from an elected bureaucrat) makes you awesome at relating to the common man, right?  Gives you a lot of experience at being able to explain complex legal concepts in normal, everyday English, right?  Apparently telling people you used to be a prosecutor works, though.  Just check Google.  Any lawyer who ever worked at any prosecutor’s office anywhere is bragging all over the internet about that stuff.

Hooray for them.  I’m super-impressed.  It’s so terribly difficult to find a lawyer who used to be a prosecutor.  We’re probably down to our last 20,000 of them in this state.  Retain one now.  They must be a dying breed, or something.

Maybe the problem isn’t them.  Maybe the problem is you.  You are the market.  Your dollars determine what sells.

Does this sell?  Are there really a lot of people on the internet thinking:

“Hey, I see you were stuck pushing paper in traffic court for 6 years, mind helping me with this murder case?”

The sad thing is that there must be. There have to be, right?  If there weren’t, the ex-prosecutors wouldn’t be bragging.  The former “Assistant State’s Attorneys” wouldn’t be listing this stuff in their web profiles 10, 20 or 30 years after they turned in the prosecutor’s badge.  Isn’t this simple market economics?  If it didn’t sell, lawyers would stop, right?

I’m not saying that cutting your teeth as a prosecutor is a bad way for a criminal defense attorney to start off- there are a ton of excellent criminal defense lawyers who started as prosecutors.  Some of the absolute best lawyers on the planet (and some of my best friends) started this way.   I’m not saying it’s a great way either, though- there are plenty of former prosecutors who can’t quite “connect” with our clientele.  It’s just a “way”.  No different than any other.

I don’t totally blame you, though. It does sound impressive.  “Former Felony prosecutor for 25 years with experience in murder and narcotics cases!” does have that infomercial-like appeal.  And, if infomercials didn’t work, well, then the Sham-Wow wouldn’t be awesome.

With so many lawyers beating the drums of their prosecutorial experience I was a little worried when I decided to finally have a web page.   I was never a prosecutor.  When I put this little “Kane County Lawyer” page together, I had a lot of excellent experience, but nothing that sounded awesome enough to have that “infomercial” effect.  So, I did what I do best… I passively cracked on my friends:

Many criminal defense attorneys started as prosecutors and later made the switch.  While they were busy putting people in jail, Haiduk was sharpening his skill for keeping them out.  Matthew has never prosecuted a person like you.  He has dedicated his career to helping people like you.  If you need an attorney, or just need advice, it is worth your time to contact Matthew J. Haiduk, Attorney at law.  He offers free consultations… so, what do you have to lose?

What does this have to do with Sarah Naughton and her Taboo Tabou folly?

All I know is that this lady has worked as a prosecutor long enough to have an idea of what she would want to do when she’s arrested. I have an idea.  And, if you’ve read though here enough, so have you.

Would you want to do what she’s doing on that video?  Do you think she helped her self after she was arrested?  What would she advise you, as a client, to do?  Follow her lead?

She very well may lose her job for this. I really hope she doesn’t, but she very well might. If she does, she’s going to end up in private practice.  Like lots of former prosecutors before her, she’s going to tell people she’s a former prosecutor. She’s going to tell people she has trial experience.  She’s going to end up on a law firm web page making all this experience sound very, very impressive.  People will be impressed.  People will order the Sham-Wow and then retain her.  Would you?

About those girls who stole the Girl Scout cookies…

Remember when I mocked those girls who stole the cookies?  Maybe you don’t. I mean, it was all the way back in last week.  Well, it turns out they’re not alone.  Apparently stealing cookies from Girl Scouts is something of an epidemic.  At least these guys weren’t as arrogant when they were arrested. We hope.

Anyhow,  I know after watching that video with the two girls last week you were completely convinced that the Great Cookie Caper was a one-time, completely out of character, horrible decision for those two.  The type they’d learn from, move on, and chuckle about when they’re older.  The kind of “dumb kid thing” that kids sometimes do.

I’m here to tell you that you’re correct. Maybe.  I mean, while it seems that Cookie Heist was the only time that daring duo liberated dessert from little kids, it’s not the last time one of them was in trouble.  Serious trouble.

But, you knew that was coming anyway, right?  Of course you did. Everybody who saw the video did.  Everybody who watched the first video is saying “I told you so!”  Including the judge.

If you look at Ms. Wood’s subsequent legal problems, it doesn’t look like she was cut much slack.  I wonder how she feels about how she acted in that video now.

Lesson learned?  Don’t talk about crimes you may or may not have participated in.  Not to the police. Not to your friends… definately not to the T.V. reporter.  Especially if your’e going to come of as arrogant and unremorseful.

 

Defending the Dumbed

Ask yourself, “what is more important… money, or life?”  The answer is simple, really.

When I see something like the video above, I imagine something like what’s written below.

“Ladies and gentleman of the jury, my client is not guilty of stealing Girl Scout cookies from a Girl Scout.  I know you’ve seen the T.V. interview. I know it appears she admit the crime.  I know it sounds horrible.  I know what you think you saw.

You didn’t see what you think you saw.

Did she admit to seeing members of the Girl Scout Gang? Yes. Did she admit to seeing an envelope with money? Yes.  Did she grab that money and run away? Yes.  Does that make her a criminal? No.  Not today. Not this girl.

See, this isn’t really a case about cookies, or green uniforms or merit badges.  This is a case about greed, and about life.

In a normal case, my client’s statements to the reporter might be enough to prove a crime.  This isn’t a normal case, though. My client needed that money.  My client had to have that money. It was necessary that my client take that money to prevent greater harm.  She is not guilty, because her actions were necessary.

Put yourself in her shoes.  You’re 16 years old and your parents have forced you to roll out of bed shortly after 1:00 p.m.  Out on the streets to fend for yourself for an entire afternoon and without means to pay for your daily carmel mocha, you’re getting a little twitchy.  Getting your Starbucks isn’t really a matter of want.  It’s a matter of survival.  Maybe you’re high on weed/meth/whatever at the time, too.  That doesn’t make it any easier.

Do you know how it feels to need that caffeine?  Do you know how it feels to need that caffeine and not have money?

You texted all your friends, and none of them have money to loan you.  You even used your iPhone 3 to message your friends on myspace. No luck.  You don’t have any other options.

It’s not about options, it’s about life and death.

This is what I’m talking about when I say this case is about greed.  Year after year those pesky Girl Scouts, the little beggars that they are, terrorize neighborhoods everywhere trying to pawn their unhealthy vittles.  They should be ashamed, really, trying to liberate money from the paychecks of hard working Americans like yourself.  And, what are they giving you for that money?  Something of worth? Something of value?  Something to make the world better?  No.  Absolutely not.  They are taking your money and giving you sugary death nuggets.  They’re sleeping just fine at night, too.  That organization ought to be ashamed.

Year after year, they make millions, if not billions, while “normal” people like my client struggle to pay for a simple Iced Carmel Mocha Macchiato.  They made millions last year. They made millions this year, and they’re going to make more millions next year.  They are the 1%.  They are about the millions.  Are they about anything else? I doubt it.

You know why their uniforms are green?  Greed.  Clearly, it’s greed.  To them, that envelope of money is just more confirmation that a day of being greedy is a day well spent.

To my client, that wasn’t an envelope of money. That was an envelope of life.  It was an envelope to help her escape the hustle of daily afternoons on those mean streets.  It was money to the Girl Scout Gang, because they are greedy.  The Girl Scout’s didn’t need that money.  To my client, it was life.

Ask yourself, “what is more important… money, or life?”  The answer is simple, really.

And, when asked what she needed the money for, my client was honest in explaining it.  “Just, for anything… we didn’t have any money.”   Do you know what anything can be?  “Anything” can be food so that my poor, starving client can finally eat again.  “Anything” can be shelter so that she doesn’t have to spend another tireless afternoon walking around at the mall.  “Anything” can be prescription drugs to keep my client alive. Again, it’s about life!

You don’t know what “anything” can be.  And, the reason you don’t is because the government never proved that my client didn’t need that money for anything essential.  It’s their burden to prove their case, too. We must prove nothing.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, in this case you cannot find my client guilty unless you condone the rhetoric and greed of the Girl Scout Gang.  My client took that money because she claims she believes it might have kinda been necessary for her to buy some Starbucks, maybe.  I ask you now to send a message.  Send the message that you do not condone greed.  Send a message that living is ok.  Find my client not guilty.  Thank you.”

Then I imagine 4 minutes of jury deliberations, and a finding of guilty.

Prostitutes, nuclear weapons, and lawyers

These are the three things ruining the word: Prostitutes, nuclear weapons, and lawyers.  At least according to this guy.

Remember last week, when a Pimp taught us to put our best foot forward when we want somebody to believe us?  That doesn’t just go to what you say. It goes to your entire presentation.  Like, for instance, if you’re going to ramble on in a (mostly nonsensical) video about the entire legal profession, you might want to empty the garbage can and clean the margarita mixer on the counter behind you.  They are a little distracting.

What was this guy saying, again?

 

 

Representing yourself in traffic court? Tips for success from a pimp.

It seems that these pages get a lot of hits for people looking for tips on representing themselves in traffic court.  They have a ticket, don’t want to plead guilty, and surely don’t want to pay a guy like me to help them.  Who can blame them?  You headed to Kane County Branch court for that speeding ticket?  Bad registration at the McHenry County Courthouse?  You probably don’t need me… or any lawyer.

I’ve hinted at this before, but if your traffic record is good, the ticket you received is for a minor violation, and you are reasonably decent at explaining yourself, hiring an attorney for traffic court might just be one of the biggest wastes of money out there.   The law isn’t overly complicated.  And, quite frankly, the folks at the Kane County traffic court are generally decent people to deal with. If your record is bad or it’s not a minor violation, on the other hand…  I do offer free consultations.

Anyhow, I saw something in court today that had me reconsidering the fact that I’ve published that advice on a public web page.  I was waiting in line to start a trial in traffic court.  Before our case, the judge called the case of a lady who wanted a trial and was representing herself pro se.  Prosecutors hate having to deal with pro se trials.  I love watching them.  It’s fun seeing normal people push back on the system because, honestly, it doesn’t happen enough.

Anyhow, in a move you don’t see all the time in traffic court, the Judge asked the lady if she’d like to make an opening statement. He, very nicely, explained to her that she didn’t have to say anything but could use this opportunity to make a statement telling him what she thought the evidence would show and give him an idea of what to look out for.  My ears perked up and I started paying better attention.

This was her chance to get her version out before the cop even got to speak.  This was her chance to start persuading the judge before the prosecutor even called a witness.  This was her chance to show the judge that she was just a normal, likeable person taking on a trained government lawyer and paid, professional witness.  This was her time to explain to the judge why he was going to see David stand up and fight back against Goliath.

With that, this is what she said:

You are going to find me guilty because it’s my word against his.

What? Serious?  Damn!  I was almost sorry I started to pay attention.  What’s that saying about “you never get a second chance to make a first impression?”  Her opening statement told the judge that she’s already not anticipating victory.  Guess what happened in that one?  Yeah. She lost.  Nothing like setting the bar low from the outset.

You really don’t give yourself much of a chance when the first thing out of your mouth both tells the judge you’re not expecting to win and tells the judge he’s not going to believe you.   Oddly, many judges don’t have the automatic presumption that police are more believable than regular people.  Oddly, in traffic court people often get a much better shake than in, say, felony court.

So, I don’t take back what I said about most people not needing a lawyer a traffic court.  Instead, I add to it:

I once saw a television show that documented a Philosopher who went by the name of “Pimp Snooky.”  A small sliver of Pimp Snooky’s  philosophy was something you should really keep in mind when you’re in front of the judge.  It’s very simple- “Let your next move be your best move.”  That is what the lady today should have let shape the first words from her mouth.  She should have opened with the best thing she had to say.

While Pimp Snooky may be a Philosopher, he’s not a prophet. Sadly, the rest of Pimp Snooky’s philosophy seems to be really, really, really bad advice.  I can’t advocate following a single other thing the man has said.  That little bit, though, is gold.

Any time.  And by that, I mean ANY time a judge gives you a chance to speak freely about your case you need to put your best foot forward.  If you’re representing yourself in traffic court, don’t lead by admitting defeat.  Make Philsopher Snooky proud.  Let your next move be your best move.

I would think this should go without saying. I guess not.