Category: Real Talk

5 Expert Tips For Talking To The Police, and A Bonus 6th That Will Blow Your Mind!

The police want to talk to you. Maybe they’ve called you. Maybe they’ve stopped by your house. Maybe they’ve even pulled you over and arrested you for DUI. What are you going to do?

Sounds like a tricky situation? Not if you take this splendid advice. Utilize these pro tips and never worry again.

Tip 1: Don’t talk to the police.

Sure, they’re being nice. They just want you to come down to the station “to clarify some things” or answer some questions to “make sure you’re o.k. to drive tonight.”  That’s all totally legit as they’d never lie to you, but the smart money says you should just shut up and not help them out (because if you talk, you will).

Tip 2: Don’t talk to the police.

They want your name and identification? Fine. Give it to them.  They want to know where you were last night or how many dead people are in your crawl space? Just a thought, but maybe you shouldn’t tell them.

I know it sounds simple, but they’re not just going to come out and ask why 41 kilos of crank are in your pants. Plus, they’re not going to believe you when you say they’re not your pants. So, maybe it’s not best to walk down the path to certain confession. Don’t start talking to them no matter what they tell you they want to know.

Tip 3:  Don’t talk to the police.

In case you missed the first two tips, here’s the fail-safe third one. Try it some time. Lawyer up, shut up.

You might want to start writing these down. It’s getting complicated.

Tip 4: Don’t talk to the police.

Have you ever walked into a place you’ve never been, in a city you’ve never seen and been struck with an eerie feeling of familiarity?  You know you’ve never been there, but it’s too familiar for you to have not experienced it before?  Some call that Déjà vu. I call that Tip 4. Why have you even read this far? Do you not get the point?

Tip 5: Don’t talk to the police.

If you can just go explain yourself you can talk them out of charging you with that murder rap, right? 5 minutes of your slick tongue and they’ll realize you didn’t kill him. Or if you did you did it in self defense.  There had to be a great reason. He’s not dead for no reason, right?

Let’s be honest, there are times when you might be able to talk yourself out of something. It’s happened.

Not to you, though. You don’t know what the police know. You don’t know what information they’re really after.  Unless you’ve dealt with the police often enough to become fearless around them, you’re out matched. Just don’t.

BONUS Tip 6: Hire a lawyer. Let them talk to the police.

You didn’t pay for 6 tips, but I’m going to give you one anyway.  That’s the kind of guy I am. I’m a giver.

It’s a two-part tip, too.

Part 1 of Tip 6: Just don’t talk to the damn police already.

Part 2 of Tip 6: If you’re determined to talk to the police, hire a lawyer to sort it all out for you.

If you enjoyed these tips, be on the lookout for my next post, “The 6 effective legal tips most often ignored (And the 6th tip is a two-part shocker)!”

Screw you, I’ll vote how I want to (AKA Charles Blow can stick his thoughts where the sun don’t shine).

I’m not comfortable with the idea of Donald Trump as president. On the other hand, I’m not comfortable with the idea of Hillary Clinton as president, either.

I tend to have a different set of priorities than those in the national spotlight.  I’m primarily concerned with issues like putting teeth into the confrontation clause, figuring out how the ancient language of “unreasonable searches” applies in a world not imagined by those who invented the phrase, and wondering if I’m the only one who actually sees the term “excessive bail shall not be required…” to kick off the Eighth amendment. You know, issues of freedom.

That’s not to say that matters of national debate don’t concern me. They just tend to fall lower on the list of pressing things.  Because of that, I tend to vote 3rd party.  It’s been that way since I cast my first vote (for Ross Perot, duh) in 1992.

Continue reading “Screw you, I’ll vote how I want to (AKA Charles Blow can stick his thoughts where the sun don’t shine).”

Because I Love It.

“How do you sleep at night putting in toilets for pedophiles?”

-Things nobody ever says to plumbers.

“I could never do what you do… you help drunk drivers save money on taxes so they can buy more beer.”

-Something accountants never hear.

“How does it feel knowing you sell hardware to criminals?”

-Questions the guy at Home Depot doesn’t have to answer at social gatherings.

Continue reading “Because I Love It.”

I’m Down But Not Out.

Hitting “Publish” Isn’t Easy.

I’ve written a lot of posts that haven’t been published. That’s a problem. It’s a problem of being too reserved, too cautious, or concerned about what I’ve written to offer it up for public consumption.

Early this year- in January- I wrote a post called “10 years.” It spoke to my decade of private criminal defense work since leaving the Office of the Public Defender. I wrote about how much I loved this job, how fun it’s been, and how lucky I’ve been to have an extremely helpful group of talented colleagues.

More importantly, I talked about the stark and grave realization of how grating this profession can be. How depressing it is knowing that, as much as you can fight for that guy standing next to you in front of the judge, the system isn’t designed for change even if the system has it wrong.  It will be wrong over and over and over and over Continue reading “I’m Down But Not Out.”

Setting Every Damn Case For Trial: The beginning of the end of my “reign of pain” as a public defender.

When I worked for the public defender’s office I was a complete pain in the ass.  Or, at least I like to think I was. Considering a judge once told me I was “the only roadblock to an otherwise smooth running courtroom,” I probably was.

I pulled out every trick people would teach me. When I ran out of those, I’d invent some of my own and see how they worked. If they rocked, I’d use them until they wouldn’t. If they didn’t, I’d think up something else.

I don’t regret that. Not even a little bit. Continue reading “Setting Every Damn Case For Trial: The beginning of the end of my “reign of pain” as a public defender.”